Instead of just complaining about crony capitalism, like you, all my fellow carpers and critics out there who aren't getting a cut of the action either, I've decided it's time I got in on it. So I'm on a mission to get myself a better class of crony, and quick.

Not that I can entirely blame my current, inferior cronies for my utter failure so far to corruptly enrich myself as the expense of the rakyat. I'm aware that it's partly my fault for choosing them for their worthy but otherwise profitless qualities like intelligence and integrity instead of political connections and flair for financial chicanery.

Just a cursory glance over a sample of my associates will show you why, as fabulous they may be as friends, they're completely useless as partners in my would-be career in crony capitalism.

Bill the Char Siew King, for starters. Lovely guy, lets me read his newspapers free of charge every morning in one of his shops, and is a goldmine of information about the alleged financial misdeeds of Malaysian officialdom. But does he have any mates who might be persuaded to let him and me in on it? No. Or apparently not, as he and his old pal Chris the real-estate magnate, who I'd kind of counted on as my meal-ticket into some dodgy development projects and possibly even a spot of illegal logging, seem content to confine their covert activities to nothing more profitable than blogging.

Then there are Sean, Grey and the gang. Delightful people to have a kopi and a rokok with, and capable of designing brilliant ads, brochures and posters. But will they so much as consider forming a two-Ringgit company with me to get in on the alleged billboards monopoly in PJ, Selangor or elsewhere? No sign of their coming to the party so far.

Just like my fellow writer, Chong, who both collects and wears amazing shirts, which he often risks losing in flutters with the bookies. But there seems to be no chance whatever of his introducing me to one of his illegal gaming contacts so the two of us might score a share in the business, or even a little loan-sharking on the side.

As for my other cronies over PJ way, though Ragoo's as eager as I ever was to pester pretty women for dates, and Dave's adept at pestering staff and students to perform at their best academically, both are absolutely hopeless when it comes to collaborating with me in cornering a lucrative pest-control monopoly from the MBPJ or any other organisation.

Malay cronies

So, my capitalist ambitions having been thwarted by a sad shortage of crooked contacts among the other races, I've naturally started to concentrate my search for partners-in-crime among my Malay cronies. I was vastly encouraged in this initiative by an article I saw in the Star on Aug 21, quoting Information Minister Zainuddin Maidin as declaring that "The Malays thrive under the crony system, and the transfer of power and administration essentially means the transfer of cronies," and adding that abuse of power and misappropriation of funds were bound to happen under the crony system.

Strangely, I thought, coming from an information minister, this statement was not, as it first appeared, an exercise in candour, but an attempt to sell the illogical and somewhat sinister proposition that "There were cronies during the era of Tun (Dr Mahathir Mohamad) too, so the weaknesses of the Malays during the present administration should not be exposed for all to see."

I disagree entirely with all the above sentiments. In my opinion, Malays in general, as distinct from those at the 'top', don't thrive under the crony system at all, any more than people of other races do. Political and economic cronyism enrich and empower self-declared 'elites' at the expense of the mass of honest, industrious 'ordinary' citizens. And I believe that such cronyism is best countered, not by the kind of embarrassed concealment that Zam appears to be advocating, but by exposure, investigation, prosecution and punishment. In other words, by democratic institutions like free news media, honest law-enforcement organisations, powerful anti-corruption agencies and independent judiciaries.

But never mind. My Malay cronies were starting to look like my last, best chance for getting my Mat Salleh fingers onto some minor share of the spoils. But then I really thought about them. Ali, my old friend, former art-director colleague and crony, is, unless I'm very sadly mistaken, as straight and fiercely incorruptible a man as it's ever been my privilege to know. Same goes for another old Malay mate of mine, Ali's fellow family-man and big motorcycle fancier, Amirul. And unlike their near-contemporary and self-avowed future prime minister of Malaysia, Khairy Jamaluddin, they don't ride without their helmets, support Mat Rempits, make derogatory remarks about other races, or accept offers of economic assistance from kindly merchant bankers.

So these two guys don't strike me as very promising partners for a foray into crony capitalism, and neither do any of my other Malay friends or acquaintances. Which is fair enough, I suppose, since I'm far from prime crony capitalist material myself.

Though I spent a pleasant afternoon in Cambridge back in 1984, I never did get to Oxford. And I have few if any connections in high places, despite having been a fascinated spectator of Mahathir's machinations for so long I feel I know him personally. Lately he seems to have lost a lot of his clout, however, and in any case, given the way he evidently feels about us Australians, I fancy he'd consider me too recalcitrant a crony for words.