Somebody please teach me how to say "Don't Tread on Me" in Bahasa Melayu, because I can feel myself being subconsciously programmed to settle down, have 10 children, and stop complaining about the weather.

Take, for example, the following passage, which comes directly from one of my books. The conversation is about one of the five year plans:

Kita patut memuji pemimpin-pemimpin kita kerana mereka memang berusaha dengan gigih untuk meninggikan taraf hidup rakyat.

If I have done my homework correctly, this translates to "We really should praise our leaders because they certainly work with zeal to improve the lives of the people."

Sure. Praise the Leaders. "You are getting veeeerrrrrryyyy sleeeeepppppyyyy. Leaders goooood; independent thought and criticism baaaaaadddddd." Now I understand why malaysiakini started out as an English-language publication.

I think several popular titles ought to be renamed to better reflect the contents. For example, "Malay for Everyone, Except the Seditious and Liberal Minded," or "Converse in Malay, but Don't Think Too Much." Or what about "Boleh Malay for a Brand New Day"? I'd better copyright that one quick.

Saya tak faham

Here's another passage, describing the capture of a band of evil nar-do-well brigands:

Penyeledup-penyeludup ini seperti kuman masyarakat.

These smugglers are like a pox on society. How poetic. How dare they? They've committed a crime against the sacred and monolithic edifice that is our society. But fascist references aside, I have also found that my books promote gender stereotypes, as in one scenario in which person A is surprised to find person B going to the market, because wifey always does the shopping (as she should). We learn that she's sick in bed, so B has to buy the potatoes today.

Or how about the following passage, from a conversation discussing the most recent addition to Mr B's family:

A: Mustafa bin Hashim. Wah! Cantik namanya. Mustafa ini anak anda yang keberapa?

B: Ha, ha, ha! Takkanlah anda tak tahu. Mustafa anak saya yang kesepuluh.

A. Anda memang bertuah. Rezeki mencurah-curah.

Macam mana cakap "Holy Moly, Andy!" dalam Bahasa Melayu? I have to admit that it is comforting that you laugh the same way in Malay as you do in English.

In addition to the lack of quality instructional materials (I've yet to find a good dictionary that explains different uses of ambiguous words, like "take", adequately through the uses of example sentences and phrases; the dictionary also references words by their root instead of alphabetically, which is a big pain in the ass.

Furthermore, my search for an A-Z Malay grammar dictionary or a book along the lines of "501 Malay Verbs" has been completely fruitless, all the people featured are either goody-goody types or complete losers.

Hashim the anti-hero

Consider the plight of poor Hashim, the hapless hero of one of my books. Hashim's foibles and misadventures include having his umbrella stolen just before a big rainstorm, wrecking his car on the way to Kuala Kangsar, and dropping his wallet on the LRT train. I understand that in the advanced book he gets hit by lighting, has a piano dropped on his head, and gambles away his kid's tuition at the racetrack in Singapore. Aiyah!

Between the frustration caused by my sub-par instructional materials and the ignorant, incompetent and obsequious denizens that inhabit the pages, sometimes I feel like hurling the whole kit and caboodle off my balcony. But then I'd never learn to understand dikir barat , which I really, really want to do one day.

Well, I'm tired of being hassled by my instructional materials. I have been considering penning my own instructional materials, partly for functional reasons; I find that the Malay language materials currently available could be greatly improved, but also for ideological reasons. I don't like to be taught to drone on about how wonderful the government is or how rosy the whole world is. I want realistic conversations with some humor thrown in.

Alternative Malay textbooks

I want a Malay textbook that's not afraid to tell the truth; I'd like to have an "alternative voice" Malay language teacher or text. I think it would be far more interesting to have a Malay course featuring various Malaysian notables. For example, "Farish Noor's Malay for a Politically Discursive World" or "SMS Malay with the Sherrif" would be very engaging.

Or consider the following translation exercise, based on a conversation between Groucho Marx and a female contestant on a television game show:

Groucho: Eh, apakah anda buat di masa bebas ?

Perempuan: Tidak ada masa bebas. Ada sepuluh orang kanak-kanak.

Groucho: Sepuluh orang kanak-kanak?!? Mengapa ada sepuluh orang kanak-kanak?!?

Perempuan: Sebab saya kasih kanak-kanak.

Groucho: Eh, saya pun kasih cerut saya juga, tetapi saya keluarkan dia kadang-kadang.

Solution:

Groucho: So, what do you do in your free time?

Lady: Well, I don't have any free time. I have 10 kids.

Groucho: Ten kids?!? Why do you have 10 kids?

Lady: Well, I just love children.

Groucho: I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while.

Or how about the following conversation between two office workers on Monday morning:

A: Sikit lambat hari ini, eh?

B: Ya, sedikit. Saya sangat sibuk hujung minggu ini.

A: Mengapa?

B: Saya balik dari Perlis tadi.

A: Ah, fahamlah! Sebab ni, jangan bekerja kuat sangat. Oh, esok malam sila datang ke rumah saya untuk makan malam. Bawa isteri encik juga.

B: Yang ke berapa?

A & B: Ha, Ha, Ha!

If you need translation for the preceding, send me an email.

In this new textbook Hashim would strike back at the world that had been the cause of so much of his anguish. No more locking his keys in the car or falling victim to unscrupulous taxi drivers. My Hashim would be a superhero vigilante bent on ridding the world of all evil, while learning to speak flawlessly polite Malay.

Lost in translation

It takes a substantial commitment of time an effort to learn a foreign language, a fact that most Malaysians are already aware of. Coming from the United States, the foreign language instruction I had in my youth was, for the most part, a novelty. I took classes in French and German, and even though I was an exchange student in Germany, I never came close to being fluent in the language.

A few years ago I moved to Japan, where I lived for two years. I made it a goal to learn the language, and so I conscientiously studied for two to three hours a day. I felt crippled by the fact that I had never been forced to learn another language for a living, but I persevered. And I learned that part of learning another language is actually learning how to learn a language. I've developed a methodology that suits me well, and I've applied it to learning Malay.

However, living in Japan is different than living in KL. In Japan you are surrounded by signs in Japanese, and all the conversation you hear is Japanese, so just living there is a learning experience. But in KL it takes some effort, and I find that people don't have a great deal of patience for me when I try to speak Malay.

Of course it depends on whom you talk to (if you know what I mean), but it's been difficult for me to find speaking and listening opportunities other than watching the television, which I've found not to be the most efficient way to practice listening comprehension. When English is your first language it's easy to get lazy, because most people either speak English or want to practice their English. This is especially true in KL.

So for the learner interested in picking up the language solo, the situation is pretty bleak. The books are crummy and everyone speaks English. One might ask oneself if there is really any need to learn Malay, as time consuming as it is. My advice is to make it interesting and to make it fun. Learn the language that you want to speak. My textbooks are not the boss of me!

KEITH BETTINGER is planning a coup to take over Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka. Send all brickbats, hatemail and love letters to him at kisu1492@hotmail.com .