After a couple of days and exactly three postings, I have come to the conclusion that blogging is not for me. So here I am again, like it or not. Just when you thought you'd seen the last of me, I'm back to clog up your mailbox.

The deal is the same as before: you don't like it, either bin it or, better yet, let me know and I'll remove your name from this mailing list.

I thought about it, but I'm still not quite sure why I didn't take to blogging. Twice today I went to my blog and tried to post something but what I was writing just didn't click; it felt so empty. Sorry to be sentimental, but it did feel like a mother staring at the empty crib of an infant who'd passed away.

A friend pointed out that what I've been doing is exactly the same thing. Technically this is true, yet somehow it's not exactly the same. Sending e-mails directly is more personal, I feel, like I am addressing someone. Blogging, on the other hand, is like broadcasting. The difference to me is that one feels more intimate than the other.

I'm popular. Really.

This is also pretty much why I have stopped contributing to all my Yahoogroups. Of course, it helps when you're always getting kicked out of groups, but that's a story for another day.

I suppose the real world equivalent would be the difference between picking up a pen and writing a letter to someone, and getting up on a soapbox in a public park somewhere and speaking to no one in particular. Blogging has its advantages - if you're looking to start a discussion on a particular topic, for example, where people can leave their thoughts for others to ponder.

But feedback is not what I seek. I write merely so that my head doesn't burst.

It's also a matter of preference. In real life I just prefer having quiet conversations in a corner somewhere with people I am comfortable with rather than sit around a big table and discuss things in a group. Like tonight, for instance.

I've just come back from having a teh tarik or two with this guy whom I have never met before in my life and his friend, a journalist working for Tempo in Indonesia. Sometimes you don't know someone but you just feel comfortable with them. It helps that this guy looked like my uncle.

It's nice to have an intelligent conversation once in a while. I'm not an intellectual - I have problems bending my mind around the really heavy stuff. Like tennis, conversations are brilliant when you play with someone who is around your skill level. Parry with someone who's a champion and you'll feel dejected, whilst sparring with one with lesser skills will get tiring very quickly.

So tonight was just right, and I enjoyed myself so much that I'll probably go for tea with them again tomorrow night. A good chat is like sitting at the beach for hours just staring at the waves - once you're done you feel lighter and in good humour. I like sitting at beaches staring at lapping waves. They are so pointless, waves. And that's what is so brilliant about them.

There's no need for meanings

Life doesn't always have to mean something. Oh yeah I know we're all supposed to have a sense of purpose otherwise what's the point of living and all that. But thank God for the meaningless things that slip through the cracks. Otherwise I think I'd go bonkers.

Anyway. The journalist was updating us on how it's like in Indonesia now since the new president got sworn in. I like the Indonesians. I admire their democratic spirit, and the way they don't try to editorialise their past. Unlike in Malaysia, where our history began either in 1460-something or 1957, depending on which camp you're in.

Mine began when my supergreatgrandfather was still praying to the Great Tree Spirit and kicking mystical butt.

It helps that Indonesia is so damned big that you can't expect the government to do anything for you. So all over the place you have all these people just banding together and doing things that they think should be done. They don't have much money either over there, but rather than fixating on that, they just make do with what they have. And they produce all sorts of stuff that bureaucrats, I'm sure, would never even have conceived of.

I think that is a brilliant concept. We have become way too attached to the Government Mother over here. I think we've become complacent and lazy. We are the perfect consumers for the MTV Age.

Even Journo Lady noticed this. She remarked on how food and books are dirt cheap in Indonesia but shopping is not, whereas here it's the other way around: food and books are expensive while shopping is cheap.

I thought that was good to know. At the very least, it means even our poor will still look stylish as they lie starving and ignorant in their huts.

RUHAYAT X is modest. He blogs about rather... ming-boggling matters. He admits he is shallow - he likes his women good looking. Look for him at Neohikayat Press.